Kim Cooper’s Blog

Just Faking they are Better?

Fri, 9 May 2008 08:55:47 +1000

There is a popular idea that you cannot tell if your partner with narcissism has actually changed because they might be tricking you that they have, when in reality they are hiding their true nature.

I think this idea has come into being for two major reasons

Therapists have been tricked by people with narcissism in this way.
Partners with narcissism are notorious for saying sorry and crying crocodile tears without any genuine reflection on their behaviour or any real commitment to change.

There are some other important points however that are generally overlooked;

It is much harder to trick someone that you live with than a therapist who you don’t.
The change that we are looking for in the steps that we present in “Back from the Looking Glass” are behaviour changes, not promises. A major point in our guide is for partners to dismiss all talk of how they will behave better in the future for exactly what it is; talk.

When dealing with someone with narcissism it is important to lose all interest in promises and to get to a point where you are ready to look at what your partner is up to and not live in denial and wishful thinking about the worst of it.

You see most people complain about the symptoms of their partners narcissism rather than the real underlying problems and causes.

What I mean is that anyone who is hiding an addiction will act aggressively, lie, be impatient and rude if someone is in the way of them obtaining the source of their addiction, while at the same time making up stories to throw others ‘off the scent’ of what they are really up to. These ‘symptoms’ get most of our attention. They are often sited as bizarre indicators of this disorder when the fact is that they are not so bizarre but quite understandable when seen from the perspective of someone lying and acting defensively about something they are ashamed of, addicted to and both want to hide and blame on someone else.

We choose to see them as bizarre when we do not want to face the truth (that is staring us in the face) which is that someone who suffers from narcissism is also usually hiding at least one of these addictions from us;

Habitual crushes and infatuations (often including obsessive email messaging and texting)
Affairs and/or casual sexual liaisons
Pornography
Incest
Visiting strip clubs
Computer Games
Gambling
Embezzling Money (and theft to pay for these addictions)
Bigamy
Alcoholism
Drug addiction
Shopping

Other examples that I have seen include - property speculation, a doctor addicted to morphine, and a man who took himself to the opera and ballet habitually while his family thought that he was working back late at work)
This will also include any pass time which involves fantasy (and usually costs more than they can afford) and which they feel ashamed of and need to hide and find ways to rationalise.

The rationalising has a very nasty sting to it too, because that is where their family usually gets the blame for these addictions existing in the first place! You must be a very horrible person for them to have wanted to do this and it is all your fault (is what they will say to rationalise their behaviour to themselves and others).

Now these are not easy problems to tackle by any means, but they are not strange or in all cases incurable. People need solid advice on how to help their family members with these problems. Just leaving them is not going to solve the underlying problem and will not give a partner closure if they never understood what was really going on.

Unfortunately we have a society that has been skewed to protect and promote criminal behaviour (most of the points on the list above are legal and promoted shamelessly despite their addictive and destructive nature) at the expense of families and of freedom. Freedom is now touted as our right to partake in these activities when they are in fact traps set up by people who very knowingly want to take our money and control our lives. Men are particular targets for this and are persuaded near constantly by the media and advertising that they are not masculine if they don’t want these things. Women have for a long time now been encouraged to ‘seek to be equal’ with men and so this of course means that we should fight for our freedom to enjoy these things too! Cigarettes were deliberately marketed to women in this way last century when the suffragettes were shown as sexy young and powerful and lighting up cigarettes as a sign of defiance of male authority and of liberation. Of course this in reality was not about liberating women, but financially enslaving them to tobacco addiction.

In my opinion freedom is something entirely different from this, but that is another story ...

Narcissism is a tag, it is a word that conveniently describes a set of behaviours, and to claim it incurable serves only the worst elements of our society. It is a cop out for the criminals themselves to justify their own bad behaviour and avoid the harder task of facing the reality of their actions. Narcissism is rampant in the families of the ruling elite.

The challenge for partners of narcissists is to find the courage to face their own pride (which stops them looking more closely at what their partner is really up to) and admitting to a support network that their family has some problems that are potentially quite embarrassing while educating themselves on how best to tackle these problems while taking care of themselves and other family members affected and of course while keeping safe. This is quite a challenge and usually involves a plan that will take some time to put into place.

How many high ranking members of our society are hiding these kinds of addictions? Are we truly going to just keep telling their victims to run because there is nothing that we can do? Of course there are things that can be done and the family of people in this situation need real and practical advice from people who actually know what they are talking about. You can not help a person with children and a porn addicted partner (who may be respected in their community) by saying “Just leave, they have a psychological condition that you will never really understand and that can never be cured” You set that person up to look like they are mad if they try and talk to anyone about what has happened to them. You ostracise the victim and leave the perpetrator free to continue on his merry way (if the life of a porn addict could ever seriously be described as free). Our society is not so entirely corrupt that this is the only help that can be offered. I know because our team helps people in these situations every day, we do not say just leave and we do share with people hope that their partners can get better, because many do.

If you live with someone and you recognise their behavior as that of someone who is hiding something and you have your eyes open to look for their vices and the resources and support network to limit these, it is very hard for them to ‘keep getting away with it’ for long. They get tired. Narcissists are humans with big gaps in their development. In many ways it serves us to see them as children or of weak character and that they have not learned how to do things honestly and need a very vigilant and firmly guiding hand and ‘guardians’ who will hold them accountable.

Seeing narcissists as some kind of demons that can trick the people who they live with that they are kind beautiful people, but then let themselves out to hunt at night, if we are not ourselves looking to be fooled (see my post On Ego) is giving these people far too much credit.

I know Steve is better, I live with him.

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

Take Care of Your Emotions

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:17:54 +1000

It is really important to take care of your own feelings while you begin working through the points in “Back from the Looking Glass” and the exercises in “The Love Saftey Net Workbook”. You can do this by using any of the audio products that we sell or that come free with our eBooks and/or any other self soothing strategies that work for you.

Don’t let your partner’s behaviour control your feelings for any long periods of time, like staying depressed, angry or upset because you are waiting for them to “make you feel better by apologising etc.” This is a big mistake!

You being upset gives them control of you not the other way round.

It is sometimes easy to think that us being upset will change someone else's behaviour for the better because they will then feel guilty or responsible or something, but that actually doesn't work. It is like dealing with a child, in that it is best (for you and the child’s sake) not to let them get the better of you emotionally. You need to learn to be the same as this with your partner. You are not going to let them continue to insult or hurt you, by using the methods that we teach in our books, but you also need to take responsibility for your own happiness. You hanging on to your sadness or anger does not prove anything. Your narcissistic partner is not able to take care of their own negative emotions appropriately let alone yours. If you are going to help them learn, you will need to lead the way in learning how to take care of your own emotions first.

Down the track when things are improving and when better trust has been built between you there will be a time and place for you to begin sharing feelings, but don’t expect that now.

I am sure that you can think of some ideas to cheer yourself up when you need to. When your partner sees that they don’t have control of your feelings anymore and that you can rise above and stay calm and balanced even when they are completely off centre, then they will start to be very attracted to your strength and to your warmth.

This does not mean that you should feel bad that you lose your temper when provoked, it is healthy and normal to feel angry if we are insulted. The sooner that you have a plan in place to deal impartially with the abuse before things escalate to this point however the better. You also need to know how to get control back of yourself as quickly as possible if you do lose your temper and look at your anger (without judgement) and see what it is telling you. If it is saying that you have to stay mad to prove something well then you need to decide who is in control, you or your emotions? Our emotions guide us and tell us what we like and don’t like and that is very important, but they should not be in charge of you. Being a hot head, or constantly upset or depressed is not a good recipe for success in this life. It is possible to stop and say to yourself, “OK it doesn’t prove anything or punish anyone but myself by staying upset. I want to be happy again and I know that feels a million miles away now, but feelings change. What can I do to take care of my own feelings now?” This is like exercising a muscle. There is no right or wrong it is just the more times you do it the better you will get at it. So each time your emotions start to take control of you is an opportunity to exercise this new response.

Now this is not about repressing or controlling your emotions. It is about being in control of and responsible for your self. I have a very hot temper once I am pushed too far and one of my favourite self soothing exercises is to listen to a recording of the rain or go for a walk under the trees in the park near our house.

Now if it is depression you are dealing with exercise is great for this (as is fish oil). Coming up with a plan of action in how you are going to find respect in your life can be very motivating and help beat the blues as well!

I don’t want to underestimate the power of our emotions, but they need to be seen for what they are, which is a guide for us to move towards what makes us happy, and move away from or resolve to fix what makes us angry or sad. Emotions are not a tool to evoke a response in someone else. That is manipulation and the sooner that you learn to stop this completely, the more hope you will have in helping your partner learn to trust.

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

Wow What a Letter!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:23:46 +1000

It has been awhile since I posted here, I have been so busy answering letters and recording and editing radio shows, along with all the other exciting developments that we have coming up, that I must admit that my blog has been neglected! I hope that everyone has found the letters page at Dear Kim on this site helpful. I just finished a big update if you want to have another look.

I must admit that I get frustrated sometimes answering letters; asking questions is fine in the beginning but the understanding really does need to turn into a plan and into action.

I had nearly let the feeling that I wasn’t getting my message out loud and clear enough start to get to me the other day when I got about three great letters from woman who have been asking a lot of questions but are indeed now beginning to stand up and take action. I am going to include one here that I really loved. I hope that this affects you as strongly as it did me ...

Dear Kim,

I did it!

I went home from work. Both kids were at different classes and I had to pick them at 7:00 pm. The house was empty and this was a great opportunity for me to talk to him.

I read your email a few times before I came home. I organized my thoughts; and repeated all the things I wanted to tell him in my mind few times.

I admit that I was sooo scared.

I told him everything in less than 10 minutes, (that she is going to call in outside help from now on if he insults her and that she hopes that from this he will learn better behavior; to talk with her respectfully even if he has a problem) I also told him that I am not going to leave him.

He jumped up and told me that he will not stay in this relationship if I get the authorities involved. He said he will file for divorce.

I said I respect his decision and he is free to do whatever he wants to do. Then he started arguing about the incident and started accusing me of making him insult me.

I told him that I don't have time to argue with him. I left the house immediately to pick up our children from their classes.

I'm back home now. He came to the kitchen while I was preparing a meal for our children. He came in, took something from freezer and went back to his room.

I am still scared but I am glad that I did it.

I love you Kim. I feel so good about myself; I feel so powerful.

I will listen to the audio tonight ...

so you see the dynamics are now going to change in this family! In this case I think the fear is a very good sign, it means that she is learning something new! There is another great letter like this from a different reader that also includes the aftermath where her boyfriend came back and told her how much he LOVED her standing her ground calmly with him, he said that it was the most incredible experience in his life! You can find it at the end of the thread HERE This letter is longer but I really encourage you to read it.

It is very important when you make this kind of stand that you set limits but that there is also a challenge in it for your partner to rise to. You are not threatening them so much as standing your ground while challenging them to re think their position and improve. Strength in a partner, combined with a challenge is very attractive. It will get their attention!

You will all be helping others soon to learn these things too, just like someone taught me. If we don’t have strong, supportive and loving families, nothing else on this planet can ever go right. Together we can make this change.

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

The Love Safety Net

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:20:13 +1100

I know I haven’t posted a blog for awhile, we have been really busy with the radio show which has been very exciting to launch.

We have loads of new in-sites and news, but as I am answering emails most of the day now - the radio show has become a great place to share our ideas and cut back on my typing! With the Christmas season here, please get started on the points in our guide now, as you would know this is the worst time of year for family fights and trouble.

Please go to www.narcissismcured.com and subscribe to our radio show now and get the three questions that you need to ask yourself if you ever wonder if you are the abuser in your relationship. Most abusers blame their victims and so I thought this was important information to help you get clear.

I will write again before Christmas but until then,

Don’t go up without your Safety net!

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

About Marriage and Divorce

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:14:00 +1100

I have read a lot lately about the justifications for and against marriage. What intrigues me is the number of articles which manage to miss the subject of children (as a reason for marriage) all together? For Steve and myself one of the first things that our marriage represents is a safe haven for our children to be protected, nourished and to grow. My parents marriage hung in longer than Steve’s. He experienced two families disintegrate, as he calls it, while growing up. As far as step parents are concerned, Steve says that when your parents divorce you lose a parent and gain a rival. I think this is very apt and that in the quest to be loved and have our emotional needs met, divorce is now considered an option too quickly and it can be very easy to forget about our children’s needs.

Divorce is not a solution, it is a failure. Some endeavours are bound to fail and so be it, but in the case of divorce the real costs need to be considered. If two people take an oath in front of God and their family and friends that they will hang together till they die (or at least long enough to provide for their children’s emotional and physical needs) and they can’t figure out how to do that without mistreating each other, they have in fact failed and not solved something if they call it a day and divorce. The admission of and acceptance of this failure will actually help them heal faster.

So are marriages worth saving?

I think they are. Divorce is obviously a necessary step when all else has failed to solve the problems a couple face but in my case divorce was waved in front of me as a solution as soon as I started to admit to people that we were having trouble. The first marriage counsellors that we saw might as well have been called divorce counsellors. That was really what they were pushing. They didn’t really believe that they could help.

It is so hard when a couple is fighting, and particularly when there is violence and/or verbal and emotional abuse involved. People say leave because they don’t know what else to say. But when you look at the figures for repeat offence with domestic violence perpetrators and victims, when you see the statistics for abuse by step parents being much higher than for natural parents and when you start to ask the people that you know who have divorced if they wish that they had perhaps tried some other options first, a different picture, and a very sad one emerges.

Of course you need to protect yourself from being hurt physically and emotionally. This is a life skill that you can learn and that your children will benefit from as well. Bullies don’t need a reason, just an opportunity. In life it will not always be possible to remove yourself from harms way and self protection skills as well as your own instincts need to be developed.

It took a long time for me to find compassion for Steve’s past behaviour but finally I did. I really put myself in his shoes and it was dreadful. I realised how completely he must have given up the hope of ever having a happy life or ever having anyone he could trust for him to resort to the things that he did to try and ease the pain. Violence and abuse is an admission of failure. In his own mind he didn’t have any options left. He didn’t care about the consequences anymore, he had given up.

Men in his position need help to re-find other options and to be given back the faith that these options are real and will help. Part of me showing Steve that he could trust me was showing him that I wasn’t going to allow him to hurt me anymore. I was not only protecting myself but also protecting him by doing this. Protecting him from his own worst behaviour. I knew that he really didn’t want to be doing what he was and that he was actually hurting worse than me. I still had hope so I had to be the strong one and stop expecting him to change and lead the way. I began to lead the way instead...

I am so happy that I succeeded, I feel for all of the families out there who have been damaged by divorce and, far from judging, I feel deeply for them. Divorce is not the solution that it has been hailed as. Once people were not allowed to divorce without terrible social stigma and that was wrong, but the pendulum has now swung too far the other way. My children have been hurt by what they have lived through with Steve and myself but most of what I read and see in their faces is that kids are very resilient to fighting and discord if they see that it has been resolved. My kids have seen Steve and I resolve our problems, they have seen us both climb down off our proud ego pedestals and humbly learn new skills and apologise for the mistakes that we both made in the past. I think this is very important for children. I am so very glad that Steve and I are sticking together to watch them grow. For their sake as well as ours.

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

On Ego

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 08:28:36 +1000

I love what Steve wrote in his blog about Blue beard, and today I want to give you my thoughts on this story. To fill you in, Steve said that Blue beard was the richest guy in town and so even when the young girl (who he sought to marry) and her sisters had instincts that something was wrong with him (his strange blue beard was right there on his face) they chose to ignore their instincts. Steve then asked, “If you are with a narcissist why did you ignore your instincts?”

If you are familiar with the story of Bluebeard you will know that it was a VERY bad situation she was walking into but the original version, which you can read in ‘Women who run with the wolves’, actually had Bluebeard being destroyed and a happy ending for his wife and her sisters.

The partner of a narcissist needs to see the unhealthy ego in themselves as well as their partner. If it wasn’t there they wouldn’t have fallen so hard for them in the first place or held on so tight after discovering their other side.

I will give myself as an example ... I was attracted to Steve who was charming the captain of the football team and had a rich dad who was also a narcissist. I wanted to believe the lies he was telling me, even when my instincts could clearly see his lack of compassion for me and other warning signs! I wanted to hold onto the dream even after we were married and had kids and he was regularly rude and abusive towards us. I didn’t want to let go of my dream of us being the perfect couple and of us being better than other people! Can you see where I was a narcissist too? By proxy perhaps, but unhealthy ego was certainly involved.

Things did not improve until I let go of that dream and this took a lot of grieving. I didn’t throw out the baby with the bath water however! Letting go of the dream didn’t mean leaving Steve behind. Getting help from community services and police social workers is a very humbling experience. It takes admitting that you are not better than anyone else. Instead of wanting to be a princess carried off by my prince, I decided that I was going to be much happier and much safer to face facts that in reality Steve and I were both broken people in need of help and that really the only person I could trust to lead the way out of the mess we had both created together was myself.

In terms of social acceptability our problem was not small and it wasn’t going to go away without me admitting we needed help and accepting that help. This was how I killed Blue beard. No more prince and princess in the castle in the sky. Just me and Steve and the kids doing our best putting one foot in front of the other one step at a time. I did not throw my relationship away for another ‘roll of the dice’. I see women do that everyday. They think that the prince will come next time. They throw away their husband but not ‘the dream of the prince who will save them’ and guess what? They end up in the same situation all over again.

Now you may definitely decide that the person you are with is not worth it. Whether you leave or not is not actually my concern. What I care about here is that you tackle the parts of yourself that seeks privilege and entitlement through a partner. Can you see how this will lead you straight to Bluebeard's castle every-time?

I was blaming the problem on Steve and expecting him to be my hero and save us or else I was saying he was a monster and he was all to blame. This of course was ridiculous. As he admits now, in reality he was as immature and irresponsible as a child certainly, but this also meant that he was unable to save the day even if he wanted to. No monster, just a damaged human being, poorly educated or adapted to daily life. And I had my gaps too.

I finally accepted this and decided that I was going to have to stop waiting for a hero and be my own hero instead. I was going to have to drop my unrealistic expectations and get us help. To stop complaining and get in and roll my sleeves up and do loads of dirty work that I had been avoiding like sorting out our finances and finding some work and putting more love and time into the care of our kids and walking away from Steve if he was rude or wanted to fight.

Once Steve saw me doing this, while also not taking any more childishness from him (but also not abandoning him) he slowly began to see that he was safe with me and that I was not going to keep expecting him to be the big hero he was pretending to be, but really knew he was not! When I stopped wanting him to be the illusion it became easier for him to be himself. Imagine being a person who is pretending to be more than you are and how scary it would be to have someone demand that you deliver the ‘goods’ even at home when you are trying to get some rest (from the act). He would just end up freezing up and going into a rage because it was the only way he could deal with the helplessness of his situation. Your partner can’t be the great person for you that they pretend to be for others, you know them too well and you are there every time they walk off stage.

This is why I talk about parenting. In many ways I had to realistically gauge Steve’s ability to be useful and trusted and to very slowly give him responsibilities he could manage, with guidance and support, until slowly he became able to take on things that I truly could rely on him as an adult to do. Handling accounts, getting the taxes done, parenting the kids, cooking and shopping, working in jobs that taught him solid skills. Jobs where there was no chance of him getting carried away with himself, but where he was valued for his help. This only began after I had ‘brought down his game’ however and there is more on this in our books.

Many partners of narcissists complain that their partner is good for a long time and then it suddenly all goes bad again and they can’t figure out why. I will write more on this soon, but you need to ask why? What is going on at home or elsewhere so that he doesn’t feel acceptable being who he really is? Who is pumping his ego and encouraging the lie. In my experience the person doing this will usually be doing it for their own benefit, no matter how innocently. Like say perhaps a career advisor who sees Steve as a potential star client (to make themselves look good) when they see his charming smile, rather than reading the facts and seeing that he is someone who is making very solid progress but needs desperately to keep his goals realistic and centred around a stable home life.

Now when I see that Steve has slipped back into defence and has become negative, prickly and arrogant again I immediately look for the cause. It is always there! And like a parent I step in and I sort it out. The need for this grows less and less as Steve has learned to pick these situations himself and say “Thanks for believing in me, but really I am fine right where I am now and I hope that you can live with that.” You see, he hated being sucked into ‘the game’ probably as badly (if not worse) than we did. His episodes of getting too full of himself (as with anyone) caused an enormous amount of shame. Of course people with NPD have feelings. Their accomplices just rarely let them feel safe enough to say what is hard for any human being to say, and that is “I don’t know if I can really be trusted to do what you want me to? I don’t know how to be responsible or trustworthy and besides I really just need to be getting home.”

Are you asking your NPD partner to support you in ways that they simply are not equipped to? Are you still hanging on to the dream of a life where you are superior to others in some ways? Ask yourself these questions honestly. An honest relationship takes discipline and hard work. Raising children responsibly is both challenging and rewarding but it takes dedication and skill and selflessness and patience and humility. These are virtues that do not come from a desire to be better than others. They are disciplines and practices meaning that they require physical acts that are performed over and over, like exercise or prayer.

Steve and I might not be royalty on the hill (with a dirty secret) any more, but we are a great success story from a social group that statistically could have ended up, divorced, destitute, dead, in jail or just plain bitter. I am proud of that and I think this kind of ego is healthy as it has been earned. I also have compassion for those who have not fared as well as we have. Please let go of the unhealthy dream and don’t walk into Bluebeard’s castle again.

“Back from the Looking Glass” and “The Love Safety Net Workbook” will give you all the steps that I took. You will need all of these steps, believe me! Your partner has got away with being an irresponsible child their whole life, so you had better be prepared!

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

Sustenance

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 07:12:58 +1000

What a beautiful morning! It is spring here in the southern hemisphere and we live right next to the beach and are having beautiful weather.

I included the shot of the food above because my eldest son and Steve made all of this together last weekend for a historical re enactment we were part of and I am so proud of them! Steve got a bit on his high horse and was talking down to my son at the start, which hurt his feelings, but we had a family meeting and after encouraging Steve to listen to our sons feelings, Steve apologised and they hugged each other and spent the whole day together in the kitchen working as a happy team. Once upon a time I could never have helped them sort that out... If I had told Steve that he needed to listen to my sons resentment about his haughty behaviour he would have been furious!

Things do change! Isn’t the food amazing! and it is all accurate to 8th to the 11th Century Anglo-Saxon history.

It seems that there is some controversy online about my eBooks at present.

I will not discuss the controversy here as it is important to me that this stays a safe place for people who have hope and are effecting a transformation in their lives.

As stated on my welcome page people who want to debate the issue will have their comments removed. That is not the purpose of this space. If you want to save your marriage and believe that you can I will protect you from others who want to squash your hope to protect their own failed efforts.

The truth is that I can’t promise that your partner will get better. Of course I can’t. The things that I am suggesting will still help you no matter what happens however. All of the points in my eBooks are things recommended by professionals who work with this daily.

After so many people telling me that I could never trust Steve ever and that even if it looked like he was better he was just using and deceiving me, I finally put together my local family support crew. These people work in the war zones of domestic abuse everyday. They knew about ‘fill in’ parenting. They visit women’s homes and they know the chaos that results in the community from thinking that kicking him out is the only answer. Next thing he has a new girlfriend, she is needing their services as well as his wife there are step kids involved (who statistically have a much higher chance of being sexually, physically or emotionally abused) and the problems go on and on.

The community needs those who are brave and strong enough to learn to take on ‘fill in’ parenting with their abusive partners. It is not easy but how else will the cycle stop.

I know that there are people who disagree with what I am offering and feel for some reason that I have no right to charge the modest fee that I do for my book? (it is cheaper than a fast food meal for your family that will make you over-weight!) They say that I am getting peoples hopes up and exploiting them... Well I think that they should visit their local family support centres! Without strong women with hope that are prepared to learn new skills, there is certainly no hope!

Now I am NOT going to entertain this dispute here for this reason...

Part of my journey was discovering that mine and my youngest son’s anxiety problems were on the far end of the autism spectrum. We were certainly high functioning but I spent way too much time hiding in my room on the computer, as did my son, and there were other problems too.

After visiting the wonderful site http://www.generationrescue.org/ that stated emphatically that spectrum disorders were reversible, I joined a support list here in Australia (no relation to the site above). Well after welcoming me warmly and encouraging me to share, they ripped me to shreds for my optimism. The people on this list had children who were autistic and they had completely given up hope for their children and spent their time on the list basically feeling sorry for themselves. I was just learning to be stronger and so this upset me a lot but still I just left and found another list.

I then joined the BEDrock list (Body ecology diet) and on this list the moderator would not allow anyone to contribute that did not believe in a cure.

After 2 years of being on this list, not only did my anxiety problems completely disappear and my son improve dramatically I followed the progress of and witnessed child after child have their symptoms relieved and often completely reversed. These women copped criticism from everyone in their life for what they were doing but they did not give up hope. These were children who at three and four had no language and did little but flap their hands, spin, and in various ways have major tantrums. At 5 and 6 many of these children were re-entering the school system, with no symptoms at all.

The amount of effort required by the mothers of these children was monumental and I never followed the full diet, but the modifications I did make made a world of difference to me.

When these women’s kids got better do you know what everyone said? They said that they were never autistic to start with!

This is coming at Steve and I all the time now and it is a tough one. People are saying that Steve was never NPD to start with. Because I love and respect him so much now, the last thing that I want to do is talk about all the awful things he was in the past. Can you understand that? I can say that not so long ago I would have been happy to share all the shameful things he did once and for a long time I once wished him dead. But that has all changed and I want to protect him now!

My point is that optimism, hope and a willingness to talk openly and be unguarded about ones hopes and dreams will always attract vicious criticism from those who have given up hope. That is why families are so important. A family is ideally a place where we can share our faith and enthusiasm and be loved and accepted. It is also important to understand and to teach children that this is not appropriate everywhere. It is important to know also when it is best to keep your faith and hence your vulnerability to yourself. This is at the heart of Narcissism. The fear of exposing vulnerability.

I have a balanced life now and I do not spend too much time on the computer but make sure that I get sunshine and spend time with my kids everyday too.

For this reason and the reasons stated above I will not be spending time on other forums any longer and my comments there were probably a mistake as they were obviously going to attract criticism from those who say there is no hope. I have decided it better to allocate my time to protecting and guarding this space for those who want to give ‘fill in’ parenting a go and who want a safe ‘family’ where they can get advice and openly share their disappointments and successes as well as their hopes and fears.

I cannot promise that you will not be criticised here as I am not always online to pull down negative responses. I can promise that these type of comments will be removed as soon as I am able.

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

Why I Stayed

Tue, 9 Oct 2007 14:21:35 +1000

The movie above is just for a laugh, my daughter loves this, she is 9 and has watched this movie about 30 times! It will get you laughing for sure.

OK it time to talk about the big one! I say big because I still get a bit passionate about it so I hope that you will forgive me if a get on my soap box!

Why didn’t I just leave Steve? Why would I want to help a person who abused me? If I really was better wouldn’t I have the self respect to walk out the door...

I have heard this so many times. With the boyfriend that I had before Steve (who was also abusive) I even had a friend tell me that I should pack up and leave, when I was incapacitated with broken ribs? I said to this friend - “Why don’t you go get a baseball bat and kick him out for me?”. I didn’t have kids to this guy though, and in truth I really wanted my relationship over with him. Even so, it took 2 years to end it so that he left me alone. It wasn’t as simple as people said. I had to be very smart, because trying to end it with him was when he hurt and threatened me.

With Steve it was different. I did not want our relationship to end and here is why...

Despite the horrible and often unforgivable things that Narcissist's do, it does take a certain set of developmental problems to end up living with or married to an abuser. I was set up for this by my sister who is a highly abusive person.
I grew up with her and she insulted and ridiculed me my whole life. I never got stronger than when I realised that I could decide 'no more' and that I was going to have no contact! So yes certainly there is a place for this.

My point is that until a person with issues about boundaries and self respect (like I was) deals with their own problems - leaving and having no contact just leaves you wide open to walk straight into the same situation again. I did! Between my two bad relationships I thought that I had 'healed'. And guess what? I was wrong.

I walked out of the frying pan and straight into the fire!

Parenting your narcissistic partner (as I suggest in my eBooks) may seem an unfair imposition. But I want to be honest here, I had a problem too! Being fearful and anxious and working too hard to please people who had no respect for me put me in line to be abused not just by my husband but over and over again in my life. I got to a point where I realised the only way I was going to know that I was better was if I got strong enough to stand up for myself within my relationship. Trying to avoid what made me anxious had left me living in a small box. It was time for the little cat that had always run away (or scratched and fought sometimes) to make friends with the big cats and walk tall!

As I got better at dealing with Steve’s abuse and keeping my personal power and self respect in tact, he started to change. That change has been remarkable and while, as with everyone, there is still room for improvement (as there is with me too!) I value him now more than anything in my life. This after years of wishing him dead! He had looked down his nose at everyone his whole life who had tried to change him. But when I started walking the talk and making BIG changes in myself he started to take notice.

I think that Narcissist's respect power. I intentionally became very powerful. I was no longer afraid to call the police and in fact became friends with them. I learned how to ignore him and cut him off if I didn't like where the conversation was going. I learned that I had a right to interfere with his affairs if they detrimentally affected me and the kids and I learned to answer the critics of my new course of action politely, admitting that I still really valued their support even if they disagreed with me.

All of this paid off for me. My life is not perfect but I can honestly say I have escaped from hell and I do want to offer hope to those who have the courage to face their own issues and to change things for themself.

You CAN get closure with the pain that you are enduring but be warned that no contact does not always give closure to the pain. Being stretched out cold in the morgue after being murdered in front of your children is another type of closure I guess. That is what happened to a women that I knew when things were at their worst with Steve and I. This was after she left her husband and found someone else. That was part of my learning how hard things can be, the very hard way. Leaving is not the best solution for some women, it might not be right or fair but it is just the truth. I feel strongly about this because of how many times I was told that I should just leave, as if this whole situation and all of this pain that had gone on in my life was just that simple. That I should just leave was always said with a tone and implication that it was my fault, that it was really a very simple situation and that I was making something out of nothing. You might understand how much that hurts?

If partners want to leave their Narcissitic partner and feel safe to do so, I certainly won't argue with that choice. I do think, however, that the ones who decide to stay and who remain hopeful for change for the better, even in the darkest hours, need to be respected.

I think the question really should be, ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. If there is a tiger loose in your house I say it is a fair call to either run OR fight. It depends on your circumstances and the odds. I will certainly challenge those who just sit and cry about it, without taking action. If it is just you and you don't have kids well I guess it is your choice to sit in danger. If you have kids however I think that you need to act.

I mentioned what NOT TO DO on my website at www.narcissismcured.com, It is important to learn this first. You then want to take actions that are going to make you safer and stronger. Learning them may take some time and also some cunning. But first make sure that you are not waving raw steak in that tigers face. A predator is a predator. They don't need a reason or justification. They just need an opportunity. If you partner is in Narcissistic defence, he is a predator and you need to defend yourself. When he sees that you are no longer prey and that you are in fact stronger than him, and that He is SAFE, he may then start coming out of defence and you might get to like the person that he is underneath all of that protective cold and nasty armour. But for now don't deceive yourself. It is going to take more than words for him to realise that you are not just another enemy or pushover in his life. I say that there is hope and a cure but I am not saying that this is easy or for the faint hearted!

I thought that I was the greatest problem solver in the world until I ran into this one and it took me over 10 years to soften my husbands heart. The things that worked in the end were completely counter intuitive to me. It was worth it. I wouldn't have found the courage to do my own growing up unless I got put into such a bad position. Like being on the top floor of a building that is burning and finally you just have to jump. But what a fantastic surprise... after I jumped I found I had wings!!!

Keep facing your fears and keep growing. Life is long and worth every moment! Yes you have been hurt and yes it is not fair but stop letting it justify things in your life that you know you really should face. In the end it is yourself that you have to live with.

I am going to go and have a laugh with that baby (in the movie above) now and get off my soap box!

Hang in There!

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

A Free Movie Link for You

Sun, 7 Oct 2007 15:05:21 +1000

Please go and have a look at this wonderful little movie; I watched this every day through the worst part of my journey and it really inspired me to keep faith.;

http://thesecret.tv/secret-to-you/

Download the full screen version as you will probably want to watch it every day too!

The other thing I wanted to share with you that helped me, was for me to think about Steve’s narcissism as a set of learned responses to fear and not as who he was. I would think - “Now Kim, he is not a narcissist he is Steve”. I would also try and remember him always in his softer and more vulnerable moments and not focus on his arrogance. This helped a lot because it made me able to stay warm and kind more than I would have been able to otherwise. This doesn’t mean that you should put up with being lied to or abused. That needs you to take action - today. Being warm and accepting in general is different to allowing yourself to be mistreated or trying to please someone who treats you as an inferior.

Be good to yourself today OK? If he isn’t treating you right, well at least you can treat yourself right. Get your space clean and energised, go for a walk or listen to some music that you love, you need to learn to forget about him if he is ever going to really be attached to you with trust. I know that sounds strange but it’s true. Tomorrow I have something very special for you so come visit again, you are not alone...

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio

Back from the Looking Glass is Finally Out!

Wed, 3 Oct 2007 08:36:21 +1000

I included the picture of Steve and I above, because they say that a picture is worth a thousand words and I wanted you to see my smile!

I finally got Back from the Looking Glass up online yesterday! Today I am celebrating because the first sales came through last night and so I know that people are reading it today and that the struggle that my family survived might help them. This is really very exciting for me.

It is spring here and school holidays have started. Steve is helping my son clean his bedroom before we both head off to work together. It is going to be a busy day as we have been giving the kids some time and kept our clients waiting. We needed some time to enjoy the beautiful sunshine that we have been blessed with for the past week.

The kids are still grumpy and rude to us sometimes, but they have been through a lot too and we are working on that!

Steve noticed last night, and laughed, that together we are reading about 5 different books on raising kids. A bit over a year ago I would have just been happy if he was home reading anything with me! My favourite book at present is ‘Raising an emotionally intelligent child’ by John Gottman PH.D. I got it by mail two days ago and I am so excited by the changes that I can make to get closer to my kids and help them deal better with the emotional stuff that life brings. Emotional intelligence is exciting for me because I never learned how to deal with my emotions constructively as a child and so there is a lot of room for progress for me now. I know that Steve feels the same and he was excited when he learned from this book what a dramatic impact that fathers make on their kids emotional development. My dad was a GP and I know he always said “Better no dad than a crumby one.” I am just so happy that my kids have a good dad now, and that we are both improving our parenting skills together.

It was Grand final weekend for the football here last weekend (Australian Rules) and Steve was at a bit of a loss because he doesn’t drink any more and so he didn’t know who to watch the game with. He ended up watching it at home with us and said when he came in after a walk to the shops, “You know you are right Kim, I am not interested in making other friends anymore. I just want to hang out with you and the kids now, where else would I want to be?.” It was nice because he hadn’t even realised it until he read “Back from the Looking Glass,” and he was surprised but he was also SO HAPPY!

I look forward to your comments here and I will make a post whenever there is something that I feel I have to offer.

My heart goes out to you and your family,

Take Care,

Kim Cooper

OTHER STORIES ON THIS BLOG

PLEASE NOTE: I do not follow the comments on this blog any longer but if you want to visit our active blog please vist

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio