Kim’s treatise on Narcissism and Abuse My ebooks and other sites are about the “How to” but here you will find my treatise on what the problem really is. This is a public statement open to comment and aside from offensive comments or abuse no posts will be removed.

Anger Management

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 14:48:57 +1000

By Kim Cooper - Author of “Back from the Looking Glass” - Living with the disorder that causes emotional and domestic abuse

Because of our belief that abusive relationships can be resolved into happy ones, many make the incorrect assumption that I do not really understand the seriousness of the problem with NPD. I hope that you enjoy this article, which is a personal story on anger management that I would like to share with you. I hope it might give you a picture of just what I was up against and some of what I did about it.

Anger Management
I was delighted when Steve first agreed to attend anger management classes. Knowing what I do now, I would have seen the warning signs immediately that things were going terribly wrong. Oh how much I have learned!

Steve got home from his first anger management session making arrogant comments about the woman teaching the class. I didn’t pay much attention, I was just glad that he was going. Many months later I discovered the full extent of his lies and the whole story of the classes unravelled (in a moment of him being completely carried away with his ego) and the truth of what had really happened emerged.

His disdain for the woman teaching the class came from the fact that he had convinced her early on that he was in fact the victim in our relationship and established her as source of sympathy. He thought this was incredibly amusing and himself very clever especially considering her position; being an apparent ‘expert’ with D.V. perpetrators. He actively seduced her in front of the other men during classes (what a hero!) but thought her a complete fool for falling for it. Classic NPD! The game started to come unstuck for him however when she started showing up at the bar where he worked. He had never had any intention of sleeping with her, his game had been cynical sport in front of the other men, at her expense, but now things where getting too close for comfort. He told her that he had resolved things with me and she left after her second visit, humiliated and crushed.

The way Steve changed while telling me this story was interesting. He started so cocky and amused with his own superiority to this woman that he couldn’t help himself, he had to tell me. As the story unfolded however, to the point of her following him to the bar and he recalled the hurt and confusion that she displayed when he sent her away, I could sense a real horror enveloping him. We talked about it and got to the bottom of that. It had not been a game for her, she had really believed him. He knew the truth of why he was in those classes and he was ashamed of why he was there, yet the world had offered no one better to help him than an unprepared and vulnerable woman who was in reality no match for him. It was too easy, and in the end he was the ultimate loser. He was disappointed and I think he was even angry with God.

I believe in anger management and there are some terrific books on emotional intelligence that I recommend highly. There is a voice inside us when we are angry that tells us we should listen to it but really we shouldn’t. Learning that we can take note of what has made us angry and then decide to override this emotion and self soothe and calm down has been shown in studies to be one of the most important life skills a person can learn. The process that overrides major emotional upsets is called a vagus nerve response. As we exercise this response it gets stronger. Having this response system strong and healthy is one of the highest indicators of success in life. People don’t like hot heads!

Most people do have the ability to override their anger. They do not pick fights with their boss or people bigger than them. They will override their angry response or not pick a fight in the first place if they know that there will be consequences.

Organising early intervention for yourself so that there are immediate and real consequences for your abusive partner if they intimidate you is very real anger management!

After I finally got good advice and implemented zero tolerance and early intervention, Steve actually got a lot more benefit from parent training classes than he did from the anger management classes. There was an older guy running this class who had the strength of purpose and character to help Steve feel safe. The other guys in his class were D.V. perpetrators as well, and at one class in the beginning they started laughing and speaking disrespectfully about women. The teacher stopped them and said very directly that he was obliged by law to inform the police of anything amiss that he heard them speak about in class. He said “I am obliged to report what I hear and I will.” Steve remembered that and he liked it. Here finally was a man with values and principles that was tough enough to stand up to him. Steve lapped it up. He had been longing for this his whole life. He attended every class, and he became so much better at parenting that I began learning some things from him.

As for the anger management class story? Well I had some real anger to manage around that one! I learned after that, that the second I hear Steve speaking haughtily about a woman not knowing her job or him knowing better than her etc. I go on alert and I know that something is amiss. I also believe the woman teaching that class shouldn’t have been there and as wrong as what Steve did was, it would have been hard for him to explain to anyone that Internally he was very disappointed. It was a big step him joining that class and he needed someone stronger and wiser at the helm than what he got.

Steve never picks fights now and I mean never. He is so committed to us. I stopped smoking completely about 6 months ago, after being on and off the cigarettes for few years and even though I have gained weight and sometimes find Steve’s attention a little embarrassing, he is so devoted to me and the kids it is really wonderful. I am family. Not tolerating his BS and getting the authorities on my side has made him really feel safe with me.

PLEASE NOTE: I do not read comments on this blog anymore but if you want to visit our active blog please go here;

Narcissism - Kim and Steve’s Blog Site

You will also find links there to our current radio shows on Global Talk Radio.

Narcissism

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:46:45 +1100

Narcissism Simplified

They are in town, they are on the sports fields, they are all around us and the trouble they cause at home! Don’t expect these monsters’ parents to help you, however, because this variety of brats are adults...

Do you remember the kid at school that stole things, started rumours about kids who were the least able to defend themselves and got away with it because they had the charm to convince the teachers and their parents that someone else was to blame? We all remember kids like that right? Did you ever wonder where those kids end up if they keep getting away with it?

Meet the Narcissists...

If they get a good education they can end up in charge of other peoples resources and run a healthy company or nation’s finances and/or management into the ground. If they are uneducated the men are more likely to end up in jail. The women, once they are too old to seduce and exploit men any longer, often end up dying alone, rejected and despised by all. They don’t win and no one else does either.

The first narcissist I knew was my sister. She hung out with kids less intelligent than herself at school, so she would look the star. She stole their clothes and jewellery and started vicious rumours about kids the least able to defend themselves. She was so adorably cute (whenever questioned by an adult) that she generally succeeded in blaming others for her crimes. “Why didn’t I ‘tell on her?’” My psychologist asked me once... “Because I would get in trouble,” I said, “But you got into trouble anyway!” That is when my ‘aha’ moment came. So I started to ‘tell’. Partly because of me ‘telling,’ her children are now out of her care. She was charged with three counts of assault on the eldest and he is in foster care now and never wants to see her again. I hope that she will find someone strong enough to give her the parenting she needs. Someone that will see through her lies and say “No, you can’t blame anyone else this time, your game is up.”

You see once they get older they get brash and blame the very people that they abuse (as well as others) for what they do, “Of course I didn’t tell you that I took the money out of your purse, you are so angry and defensive, as if I could have talked to you about it,” or “As if I could have talked to you about it, you never listen to what I want.” (after they have exploited you in any number of ways, yet again.) I know the whole line these brats take because Steve my husband was a narcissist too, but thankfully, and this is the subject of our guide “Back from the Looking Glass”, he grew up.

Steve can spot a narcissist (or a misogynist for that matter) a mile off now, he calls them babies.

You see, Narcissists are not the fascinating and incurable creatures that they would have us all believe that they are. “I can’t help lying, it’s incurable!” It sounds just like a brat doesn’t it! Nice try Sam Vaknin, but I don’t buy it...

The world has been blessed in the last few decades with some wonderful teachers in the areas of parenting psychology. Gordon Neufeld, Steve Biddulph, and The Super Nanny to name just a few. They don’t put up with the kind of bad behaviour that the common household child variety of brat dishes out. They have taught us to ask questions and get to the bottom of finding out the truth in wrong doings with kids, they have taught parents to set boundaries and limits with justice and without violence, threats or ultimatums. In doing this they have helped a generation of bratty kids grow up to feel loved and happy and able to share.

Because learning to share is what it’s all about isn’t it? If we don’t learn that we need to share, consider others and take responsibility for our own mistakes when we are children, then as adults we put society, our homes and communities at great risk. The current divorce rate, crime and suicide rates and high number of isolated, lonely and depressed people in this world reflect the lack of maturity in many of our adult members of society. The immaturity is then perpetuated by stubbornly high divorce rates, and the ever growing list of distractions from family life, both of which further strain a families ability to parent their children to full maturity.

The frame work for the solution already exists

Fortunately we have the frame work already in place to start changing this cycle. Our police, community services and legal systems are modelled on a parental family structure, punishment is intended to be remedial where ever possible. I have seen its success in remedial parenting. It is really quite simple once a person gets a grasp on it (and the system works as it should). If someone has got away with lying, blaming and manipulating others to get their way, they will continue to do the same until someone calls their game, and says, “It’s not going to work this time, we are on to you.” Once they see there is no way out, but that they are safe if they drop the game (which requires a united community effort), it is remarkable how quickly bad behaviour can change. The community and police need to move beyond the ‘we can’t take sides in a family disputes’ mentality. With a little education it does not take long to learn to deduce who the offender really is. The police need training in this as disputes obviously arise as to who is causing the trouble but this should not deter their response. All criminals blame their victims. [NOTE- In the real world, however, you can’t trust that the police are educated in these matters (if you need them) and so really do your homework on how best to approach them (there are a few very important points in our guide) or you might make the situation even worse for yourself by calling them. Those sneaky selfish brats are not above lying to the police and you might end up the one in jail!]

This is a community affair. The current status quo that tells victims to leave their abusive partners does not solve the problem and places the responsibility for fixing the situation on the victim. This is just what the Narcissist wants, to shift responsibility. If the victim does leave, it means the perpetrator is then free to find another victim, if that can really be called freedom!

Perpetrators must be held accountable for their actions by the entire community, while being shown that if they decide to play fair, they will be treated fairly. In their hearts (and yes they do have them) this is what they long for, a parental figure that is smart enough to call their game while showing them that they are safe. A perpetrator only feels so superior because they keep getting away with fooling everyone. Feeling superior in this way is a very terrible and lonely place to be.

My husband Steve is the happiest man on this earth now. He had two families disintegrate, as he calls it, between the age of 8 and 14. He was also physically abused by a step father. Steve is charming and handsome and was captain of the football team, but he had unfortunately got away with lying, being irresponsible and blaming it on others for his whole life. If he hadn’t had so much charm he wouldn’t have become a narcissist, but that how it works and that is what he became.

The bad old days of his disorder are over for us now and helping others to save their marriages is the life work that together we have chosen. Having been through the domestic abuse cycle ourselves, it is impossible to ignore it around us.

There were many things that helped Steve, but one was his day in court, in his own words (from our guide) Steve explains,

The experience of court was horrible. I realised that I had made a terrible mistake and that the law was there to punish me. The DV officer from the police explained the terms of my AVO, and they were that I was to obey the terms or be thrown in jail. His words were simple and matter of fact,”Prison is a tough place to survive.” That was enough for me, but I needed to be told. Kim was sad the day we went to court, I could see that she was very disappointed that our relationship had come to this, but she kept a brave face and knew she was doing the right thing. This experience I will remember forever, and I cannot ever have my conviction for ‘common assault’ overturned. Society, through a magistrate, was able to make a statement to me that my behaviour was unacceptable. I had crossed a boundary that I obviously had no respect for. S.

I was fortunate that one of the police officers stationed near my home was well educated in domestic violence issues. He was the head of DV at our station and the closest person that I have met to a real live angel on earth. He is very mild mannered, but he knew how to show Steve that the law was on my side and that he was on shaky ground. I had not fared as well with police that I had called before him, but he gave me valuable advice on dealing with the police and community services better. I was not blameless in all of this, Steve certainly blamed me and I had behaved badly as well. I was very angry and very upset, but I had not been lying and I did not manipulate and deceive Steve to control more of the household resources (including money, time, love and attention) as he was doing to me. This is important to grasp, as it makes it simple to get to the bottom of who is really causing the trouble. Perpetrators always blame their victims, and their victims often believe that it is perhaps their fault. This makes it difficult for the police or anyone else to help, NPD sufferers have a lot of charm and by the time victims call for help they are usually upset to the point where they are far from charming and it is very easy for the perpetrator to turn the situation in their favor. This is a large part of our guide, coaching victims in what they need to know and do to build credibility with a support network in the community. This is the key. Learning to ask for help and earn others respect in the process has been one of the most valuable life skills that I have learned.

I think that you might consider buying our guide before you consider calling the police! They can help, but you really do need to know how to approach them.

Parent the Perpetrators

Steve and my message to the world now is to ‘parent the perpetrators’. If families continue to disintegrate without being educated about the solution, the problem will continue to get worse. Abuse has ever widening cycles, including its children turning into abusers themselves. Most of the advice that I got when I needed it, was bad advice. I am glad that I didn’t leave ... and entering marriage counselling (as I was often advised to do) with a narcissist is like swimming with a shark and asking it nicely not to bite you. We have better advice for families - because we have been there.

There are things that do work and they need to be taken on by the whole community, for now that unfortunately requires the victim finding and educating their own support network. In time we hope with greater understanding this might change.

At present we are funding this work completely on our own and so must charge for our guide. If you need it and are unable to pay you will find an email address on our website that you can request our ‘no pay deal’. Victims of abuse are often not in control of the money in their household and may not have a credit card to purchase our guide, so we felt that this was necessary.

This is a problem that together we can solve.

Kim Cooper - Author of “Back from the Looking Glass” Living with the personality disorder that causes domestic and emotional abuse.

PLEASE NOTE: I do not read this blog anymore but if you want to visit our active blog please go to

http://kimcooper.wordpress.com/narcissism/

You will also find links there to our current radio shows on Global talk radio.

And BTW if you read through this discussion we contacted Sharon direct and she got in touch with the Red Cross and is home from Indonesia and she is safe now as are her kids (-:

Kim